So I called my cousin because of all my shit that’s going on. Granted this is the first time I’ve really reached out to him in a very long time. He told me to remember people for the good memories and qualities and to never forget where I come from. He told me to remember that I’m a survivor and a fighter and that I have always fought for what I wanted. 

I need to remember where I come from. I think in the last two years, I’ve completely lost sight of what has always been important to me. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who that girl is. I don’t even recognize myself. What the hell happened to me? A year ago, I would have never thought I would do something like this, betray a friend who was, and still is, very dear to me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

I think it’s time to take my fucking life back. And maybe someday I can forgive myself. I used to be so strong and so sure of myself and what I wanted and now I’m not sure about anything. I have never been so lost and I have never been in more pain. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I start therapy tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m just hoping that above all else, it can help me move on and become a better person, and remind myself of that girl who was so sure of herself and remind myself of who that girl wanted to become. 

As of this Saturday at 2pm, I will be officially back in therapy. 

For a psychology major, who wants to be a clinical psychologist, I have never been more anxious about it. 

I can’t live with myself like this. I will never forgive myself for doing this. 

I will never forgive myself.

Well after a crazy morning, I am home and away from bad influences. Time to relax and clear my brain and focus on getting my life back together. 

*sigh* 

Does anyone know by any chance how long you have to wait in the state of Illinois before you can report someone as missing? I think I may be having a crisis. 

Please help.

And Flowers… Please if you read this, please go home. Please go to one of the guys’ homes and stay there. Please I can’t beg you enough. Or find a phone and call me or one of us. Please I just want to know you’re safe. I love you so much, you’ll always be one of my best friends and I just really need to know that you’re safe. 

Right now, I feel like the most despicable human being in the entire world. I have been crying for a little over an hour, sometimes obnoxiously loud, because I feel like I should just crawl into a hole for awhile and just let myself wither away. 

I did the one thing I said I would never do: betray one of my best friends. And I did and there is no turning back. I can’t live with myself knowing that this happened and knowing what I did. All I ever wanted was to have that one best friend that I could be completely myself with and have that person always be there for me, through thick and thin. I could have had that friend and he honestly probably would have been there for me through anything. 

But not this. I took his trust and I destroyed it. I ruined it. And it didn’t just kill our friendship, it killed his relationship too. All I want right now is another chance to earn his trust back, but I don’t think that is going to happen. I have never in my life trusted anyone the way I trust him. He is truly the best friend I ever wanted. And right now, I want to cry at his feet and beg him to give me another chance. The last few weeks have been Hell and I don’t think I can handle this anymore. 

Roger, I was wrong. I did the one thing I said I would never do. I looked you in the eye and said I would never hurt you like that and I did. Yes, I somehow convinced myself that it was to try and help you, but let’s be honest, regardless of what my reasons were, it was a totally shitty idea. I know it hurt you in so many ways and I’m sorry. I’m more sorry than I have ever been in my life and I have made so many mistakes in my life, you know that. But honestly, this was my biggest mistake. 

No amount of my pain will ever match up to the pain I’m sure you’re feeling. And all I can say is I’m sorry. I don’t know if there is anything I could ever do to make this better, but please if there is, tell me. The thought that I’m losing you as my best friend is killing me a little more every day.

I don’t deserve sympathy or pity. I screwed up and I need to take responsibility for that. But I would be lying if I said I don’t miss you. I would be lying if I said seeing you laughing on the couch with the others doesn’t destroy me inside. I would be lying if I said that I have never felt more alone than I do now. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been crying every night since it happened. And I would be lying if I said that I’m OK with not being your friend anymore. 

I would do anything to be your friend again. I know I can’t take back what I did. I can’t take back the actions that hurt you. But I would do anything for you. I’m sorry. I am sorry for everything. 

adirtyshisno:

friendlyrvbreminders:

friendly rvb reminder

its easier for caboose to think of epsilon as church and f.i.l.s.s as sheila than it is for him to understand that he’ll never see either of them again (✿◠‿◠)

OUCH